


Love And Leave Me

by eversinceniall



Category: Pierce the Veil, Sleeping With Sirens
Genre: Emotional Hurt, First Love, Goodbyes, Hurt No Comfort, Love Letters, M/M, Sad, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-14
Updated: 2016-02-14
Packaged: 2018-05-20 09:22:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,537
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6000676
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eversinceniall/pseuds/eversinceniall
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kellin writes a letter to Vic, where he finally says I love you, and lets go of the boy who never reciprocated his feelings.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Love And Leave Me

Dear Vic, 

I said I was okay, but I lied. It's one in the morning, and I found myself looking through our old messages. Our conversations weren't very interesting, nor were they about anything important. They were just messages of ordinary chit chat. You asked about my life, and I asked about yours. But as I read them, I was filled with nostalgia, and a deep sadness. A sadness that I could feel in my bones, in my soul. Suddenly, I was overwhelmed with multiple emotions at once, and I felt out of control.

As I write this, I am holding back tears, and swallowing hard through the lump in my throat. My vision is blurry with tears, so much that I can barely see what I am typing and the words are meshing together. I miss you. That's all I know right now as my face crumples up in pain. Though it's not physical, the pain isn't any less significant. It cuts deep, and I just want to know how long I'm going to feel like this.

I miss you. I miss our stupid casual conversations on social media sites, and I only wish I could go back and save them, if only to keep them locked away somewhere safe. Somewhere I could always go to when I needed you most, and reminisce on the happy memories. But the thought of you with your girlfriend is intruding and bringing me to tears. 

Just when I thought my vision had gone clear, tears flooded up in my eyes once again. I keep pushing away the real subject of this letter away, because I don't know if I want to say it. Because can I stick to my words? Can I mean them? I'm always so scared to say important things because if I say it, it becomes real. Twenty six letters are combined together to form millions of words, and they shouldn't mean anything, but they do. And why do some words have so much meaning? All words are just made up of twenty six letters, over and over again. 

But words make a huge impact on us as human beings, and when you told me I was beautiful and asked for a picture of me, I was ecstatic. You didn't want a nude, or any sort of revealing picture. All you wanted was an image of my face and that alone made my insides mush. Some words make us feel so alive, like we're high on adrenaline. They make us feel like we're on top of the world and nothing can bring us down. But words hurt, too. They make us want to tear our hair out in frustration, and they make us curl up in the fetal position and cry, because we don't know what to do with the feelings that are inside of us, because of those words. And when you said you hated me, my heart dropped in my chest, and I didn't feel like anything would ever be okay again. I pulled through it with a brave face and pretended those words didn't affect me at all, but on the inside, I felt empty.

That's why I don't say important things, and that's why I don't make sudden confessions, because I never know what kind of words you will throw back at me. It's also because if I tell you I miss you, you will know and perhaps you will take advantage of that. You can use that against me, and even if I say I don't care about you, or that you mean nothing to me, you will know I am lying because you will never forget that time I said, "I miss you."

I usually care, but right now I care about absolutely nothing in particular, so I'm going to say it. I still haven't told you I love you yet, but I love you. I love you, and I don't care if you use that against me anymore. I don't care if you know, and I know for certain that this sudden declaration of love will have no meaning to you, but I am past the point of caring. Because I've been holding those three words in, to the point of feeling like I'm going to explode. 

Just the sight of your floppy hair and hazel brown eyes bring the words "I love you," to the tip of my tongue. Everything you do makes my heart clench in my chest, and each day, the urge to tell you increases more and more. So I love you. And I know you don't care, nor do you love me back. But that's okay, and even if you hate me, I will accept it. Because no matter what, I'm always going to love you. You can hate me, you can ignore me, you can push me, kick me, shove me, insult me, hurt me, and you can use those words against me, but the fact that I love you isn't going to change. 

I love you, I love you, I love you.

But that's only part of this letter, and here comes the second, and final thing I have to tell you. I'm going to move on. I'm not giving up- I'm not. Because that's not who I am. It never has been and it never will. I'm a fighter, not a quitter. So don't think I'm giving up. I'm not giving up. I could never give up on you. But this needs to stop. This continuous and repetitive cycle of loving you, and getting hurt by the things you do is something I can't keep going through. My heart can only take so much. And I love you. I love you so much. Which is why I'm not giving up. I'm letting you go. I'm letting you go, because I have never been the one you want, and I never will be. I have never been your number one, and I will never be the person you fall in love with, or the person you imagine a future with. I'm nothing in your life. I am a meaningless person, with no impact or effect.

Maybe one day, you will look back and you will remember me. That boy with the dyed black hair, the boy whom you hated. You're never going to read this and therefore you will never know how much I loved you. I want to be remembered by you as the first person to ever truly love you. I want to be remembered as the person who would sacrifice their life if it meant you would smile, who would die a thousand times over just for you to live a happy life. I want you to remember me; as the person who laid in bed at night and dreamt of a beautiful future with you, who would have done anything for you to notice him. 

I want you to remember me. But I am simply a blimp in your life. I am something so small, so insignificant, that you will never cast me a second thought after this year is through. Soon, we will never see each other again. We'll be off to different schools, and maybe - hopefully, I will began to forget the color of your eyes, the deepness of your voice when you sing. 

This is the end. This doesn't mean I'm going to stop loving you, or that I will stop wanting you. It just means I am finally going to accept the fact that you were never truly mine, and really, there was never a chance you could be. I'm still going to see you, and I know this for certain. Our eyes will connect across the room, and I'll continue to look away quickly, for fear that you will see how much I love you in the way our eyes meet. I'll still watch you, and I'll watch you tease her, with that gorgeous smile on your face, the one I never was able to make appear. I'll still feel this way, but I'm letting go, and acknowledging that we were never going to happen.

We were never meant to be, and we never will be. Though you won't remember me, I know for certain that I will never forget you. I'll remember you, as; the boy with amber eyes, who smiled a smile with crooked teeth. The boy, who sang my favorite songs in a deep, soothing voice, and laughed loudly, unabashedly. A boy, who was far too confident and arrogant, proud, and self assured. The boy who made my heart melt when I saw him, who I had always wanted to hold. The boy who caused me so much pain, who broke my heart, but didn't bother to put it back together, because he hadn't even known he had broken it. Most of all, I will remember you as exactly what you were. No matter the pain you put me through, the tears I cried over you, none of that ever mattered in the end, because the sight of you each and every day made the darkness in my heart disappear a little.

I will remember you; as my first love.

**Author's Note:**

> A year and a half ago, I met this boy. I've never been the type of person who has crushes, but he was so different from other people. While my friends have went through dozens of flings in the past year, I've been stuck on this guy. I couldn't think of anybody else. I figured it would go away eventually, but six months later it still hadn't. I was wrong about this being some flimsy crush.   
> Then I made the biggest mistake; I fell in love with him. I guess we just weren't meant to be. Unfortunately, he doesn't return the feelings I have for him. I guess love doesn't always have a fairytale ending. This story, you could call it, was my letter to him. I turned this into a fanfic, as per usual. Of course, I didn't actually give him this letter. The chances of him seeing this are slight, but it's always possible. This was mostly a letter for myself. I've decided to let go, because I'm tired of having my heart broken when things don't go as I wanted them to. If there's one thing I've learned from this, it's that you can't make someone love you, no matter how much you want them to. I love him, more than I ever thought I'd be able to love another person. But he wasn't meant to be mine.


End file.
